You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
