yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize