i just wanna soil my oats bro
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
