i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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