You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
