Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
