I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
