LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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