R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
