I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
