why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
