We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Randomize
