Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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