Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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