Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
