I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
