everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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