I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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