those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
