Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
