this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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