the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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