im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
