Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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