the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
