never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Be still, my beating vagina.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Randomize
