Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
