I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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