she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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