wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
