Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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