3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize