I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
