just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
