My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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