i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
