i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
