My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
