I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
