1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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