a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I am available for nakedness
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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