Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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