who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
