Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
