I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
