I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
