I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Oh god it's open bar.
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