You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
