how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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