I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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