She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Randomize
