saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
