Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
