I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I didn't shave. On purpose
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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