Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Is it because I queefed?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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