I'm jealous of your bromance
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
did you just send me my own nude
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Randomize
