I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
