I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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