Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so let's talk penis.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize