then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
