I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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