All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
